I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
