It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
