just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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