We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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