White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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