I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
