A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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