Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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