I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
