I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
