he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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