Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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