There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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