ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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