One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She even gives head with a lisp.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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