Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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