I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
