You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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