i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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