This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
