I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
