The maid of honor just puked.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Mom said you looked used
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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