so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
