my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i was born a porn star she said
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
