I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Congratulations! We have a period
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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