I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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