I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
