I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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