I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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