I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
