you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
