I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize