Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
