My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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