I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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