You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
