I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
