eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
