Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
