A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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