how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
