my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
