So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She even gives head with a lisp.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
