Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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