Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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