halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize