Four minutes until I can fart!
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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