Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize