When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
