dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
two words...techno handjob
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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