I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
