I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
