Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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