you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
