After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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