Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just pynch a tree in the face
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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