I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
