I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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