I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
