Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
