if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I can text with my tongue
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
