Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
