Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize