This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
